I guess I need you
by TheFantasyFactory
Summary: Set in the same universe but A never happened: Alison has a great life with 4 amazing friends. But one night something happens and she hits rock bottom. Her depression is taking over and there is only one person who can help her: Emily Fields. Follow their story of love, support, comfort and suspense... This is an EMISON story WARNING self harm and rape mentions please REVIEW
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Hey everybody thank you for looking at my story, please review. I'm from Belgium so I'm so sorry if I made any mistakes. Your advice is always welcome so I hope you enjoy also this is kind of a dark story so there will be some dark scenes.**

**I sadly don't own pretty little liars.**

**Ali's pov**

I felt his hands running over my body like they were spiders.

His breath smelled like onions and whiskey like always. It let my eyes fill up with tears when it entered my nose. I had cried a lot already... Because of the pain, shame, disappointment, confusion and the feeling of my heart bursting in pieces. The pain is bearable and wont last, same for the shame and disappointment and I knew fast enough what was happening. But I knew that my heart will never heal.

With my whole body covered in sweat, I woke up and sighed. I was dreaming again… I am having these nightmares for 5 months already. I drank from my bottle of water on my bedside table and looked in the mirror.

I looked tired.

Really tired.

If you look in my blue eyes you could see that I was broken and that the happiness was gone.

I still was pretty, but broken.

When I have those nightmares I feel like shit. I started crying but I was alone again. I felt so goddamn helpless and pathetic.

So I did the only thing that could help me. I slowly took my razor and started cutting my wrist. My eyes closed and I didn't know that I was slowly covering my whole arm in cuts. I opened my eyes and sighed.

'Alison,…You're such I mess' I told myself. I started cutting myself 4 months ago. Nobody knew so it's fine. I looked at my arm covered with old and knew scars and I took some band-aid and lay down. Thinking about the first time,…

The first time Dave raped me…

It was the day I turned 15 and I had a lovely day with the girls. We went to the movies and I sat with Emily and Aria. In the break, Aria and Spencer switched seats so we al had the chance to sit with the birthday girl. Me. But I'm happy whenever I can sit with Emily. We were all laughing and talking and I felt so happy.

After a fun day I went home. There was my step-dad Dave, lying on the couch

I still remember it so well. I guess I will never forget what happened that night. It was dark and you could smell the alcohol... I tried to move gentle and slowly to the stairs but I must have touched an empty vodka bottle and suddenly the lights were on.

There he stood, his shirt full with stains and he hadn't shaved his beard in weeks.

'Our pretty princess is arrived. ' He said and I felt so bad. Even the smallest child could see that he was drunk. My mother left for 10 days to Paris and I was so sad because I wanted to come with her but she said that it was impossible because I wasn't 'old enough' to make such a big trip. Maybe this is the way things are supposed to be, but it doesn't feel right.

So Dave made a mess.

The whole house looked like it wasn't cleaned for years and he promised to god that if we didn't clean the house on the day my mom returned he would break our necks.

But on that day, on that moment, I couldn't care less about the house.

I noticed how he tried to look strong. If you wondered, he failed. Then he faltered towards me. I was so stupid to back of immediately. But I guess I did it because my instincts alarmed and knew that there was something wrong. Of course I knew because he wasn't afraid to slap me when he is drunk. He does that from time to time but my mom didn't know…

How ironic.

One time he slapped me in the face and I ended up having a blue eye and I guess I was lucky because lying about a blue eye was easy cake…

When he saw that I backed off, he pulled me down the stairs. With his fists he slapped me everywhere he could.

20 minutes long.

On every spot.

'You ungrateful child! You still need my gift and you are going to take it either you want it or not.'

I was half unconscious but I still realized what was happening. Dave pulled me on the couch and tore all my clothes of.

Then he raped me…

He raped me.

I cried so much and it felt like hell and whenever I cried he hit me. No, he slapped me whenever I made a _sound._ Then he would kick me with his knee or scratch or slap anywhere he could.

But mostly my ribs.

When he was 'done' he fell asleep on the couch snoring loudly.

I crept to the bathroom while the tears were streaming down my face and the pain wasn't bearable. Once in the bathroom, I started vomiting. I wanted to wash myself and sleep but I needed to get out of that house so I took a short and a sweater and crawled outside the house. When I stood on my porch I was shaking and I headed to the house I knew I was save.

So there I was.

In front of the house of my sweet crush Emily. Yeah you heard me well, she is my crush.

I was shaking like hell when I slowly pushed on her doorbell. I knew her mom wasn't home either because she was a nurse and did a lot of shifts at night. So after a couple of minutes a stunning brown haired Latina opened the front door. She looked annoyed and tired but when she saw me she looked shocked.

'Ali? Oh my god what happened?!' I fainted. Well I guess not fainted but I just ran out of energy and I just heard her panic and trying to catch me from falling.

She just hold me.

We were laying on the ground in her corridor. I was on top of her with my face turned to the ground and she was caressing my back while she softly started crying. You must have listened really good to hear it but I felt my shoulder becoming wet because of her tears. She tried really careful to carry me to her room bridal style. When I touched the bed, my eyes were closing and the last thing I saw was Emily pulling my sweater of and looking so, so sad at my body.

Then I slept.

I slept for a long time.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hello my precious reader. So this is chapter 2 and I really hope I can make this a long story so I will try to update enough but I can't guarantee it :/. Please review and mention it when there are any mistakes. I'm **_**still**_** from Belgium so mistakes are **_**still **_

**Possible ;). **

**And I still don't own anything accept my virginity.**

**Enjoy!**

**Emily's Pov**

Cold water was dripping of my back. I needed to spit out the water every 10 seconds. Well I didn't need to do it, I just did.

Like I did all these things that made no sense.

Like eating my vegetables first, looking for an exit when I enter a room or washing my toes first,…

I had my habits. Like thinking about everything. Everybody does. But now, when I lay in my bed and start 'thinking', I always end up thinking about that night I was thinking…

I was alone and it was almost two. I didn't know exactly how many times I just lay on my bed looking at my ceiling.

But I was pretty sure I did it a lot.

I guess it was the best place in the house to empty your head and just think about everything. Your life, this day, conversations, actions, feelings,… It was my habit to just lay down and think. Some people write it down other people talk about it and I, Emily Fields, just let it go…

It can go wherever it wants. Just not back in my head. When I thought about Ali it felt like I could start all over again. It was just really confusing. It was her birthday today you know and she looked so happy. I knew that Alison became a little bit sad when her parents split up and her mom found a new boyfriend. Ali always complained about him. But the last few weeks she just doesn't talk about him anymore. I sighed, and thinking about her pretty blond friend made her head ache.

Ali was just…

Beautiful

Beautiful and sweet and kind and just everything you could wish to see in a person.

I don't know how long I felt for her. I guess a pretty long time ago.

I sat straight and looked outside. The moon was big and the night was dark. But peaceful.

Suddenly I heard the doorbell. First I was suspicious. But I went to my door anyway. When I opened it my heart dropped.

It was Ali. My sweet Ali, looking completely broken. I didn't know what I said exactly but I still remember well that she just collapsed. Her face had one big black bruise and some scratches. She was shaking and I knew that she must have a lot of bruises under that sweater. I carried her to my bed and lay her down.

I wont lie about the fact that I was crying. I guess anyone with a heart would cry on such a moment.

When Ali was almost asleep, I pulled her sweater of and saw a lot of bruises. Just like I said. She looked so goddamn vulnerable in her black lace bra and sport shorts.

I never had seen her broken before. I never told anyone about that night though. That night that I answered the door in the early hours to the sound of a crying girl, her pain filled gasps piercing my heart as I tried to pick her up. I knew her body wouldn't support itself. I never told anyone about that night, because that night belonged solely to me and her. That night was ours.

My hands touched the bruises gentle but when I saw her flinch in her sleep you stopped immediately. I knew she was hurt and my heart couldn't take the thought of causing her any more pain. I brushed her long blond hair away from her face, curling it around her ears as my hand moved to cradle her cheeks. I knew my eyes looked sad and I guess I was lucky that hers were closed. That moment belonged to me alone. It was endless. Stretching across multiple seconds, spanning the length of minutes as I soothed her pains with my murmured words and gentle touches.

That night I didn't sleep.

I was to shocked and confused to sleep or just close my eyes. Thinking about what could have happened with her.

So I just tucked her in and sat across the bed, looking at her. Wishing that she just could sleep forever because it looked so peaceful. I didn't want her to wake up and realize that it wasn't just a dream.

And so the hours passed and when she woke up it was 2pm. I moved 3 times that night/day. First to go to the bathroom, second to eat something and the third time I just looked in the mirror to see my dark hair being fuzzy and my eyes looking tired.

'Come on Emily, you need to be strong now. For _her_…' I told myself.

Ali woke up but didn't say anything. She didn't talk for 3 days after that night. I helped her with her clothes, I washed her, I tried to let her eat something (but I failed), I took care of her injuries.

But I didn't ask her what happened.

I tried so hard to not think about that night again. But sometimes, the memories just appear in front of my eyes like a movie.

Repeating and repeating all over again.

I just want to forget. I never want to see her broken again.

And I guess that happened.

Alison didn't talk for a week and nobody asked because she found a way to avoid everybody including me.

And when everything was 'normal' she talked. She acted normal and nobody was suspicious, except for me. I knew when I looked in her eyes that she wasn't happy like she used to be. Her eyes looked different just like her smile.

But I didn't ask her. Because I was trying to forget.

I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it and I think Ali wants it to. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning in my head.

I don't even want to imagine how Ali must be feeling.

**Reviews are welcome :)**

**There is a stupid fly in my room and I am trying to kill it with my bra. **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I'm typing this chapter from my phone so sorry for mistakesss. This is actually just a chapter about that night so yeah you can skip it if you want I guess.**

**Nothing is mine.**

The night was dark and suspicious. Like something would happen, something terrible and it did. A fragile body was limping towards a house. She was wearing a grey sweater and black shorts. The sweater had crimson red stains on it.

Blood.

Alison pushed the doorbell and Emily Fields opened the door. She first looked shocked but after a period of 3 seconds her facial expression changed in a look of sadness. Emily felt helpless while Ali felt completely broken and tired and most of all filty. She felt like a dirty pile of meat.

"Omg Ali, what happend ?" Emily said with a crack in her voice. But Ali didn't respond and collapsed. Emily caught her and while the blonde was shaking, Emily caressed her back. She found her way under the sweater and softly stroke Ali's back. She tried to do it really gentle because she felt blood and wounds. While the brunette was whispering soft words like: "It's going to be okay." and "Your safe now" she started crying. She cried silent. Then she caried the broken girl to her room.

When she putted her down softly, Emily just sat beside her putting her head in her hands as she tried to shake of that terrible feeling. Alison just closed her eyes while Emily pulled her sweater of. She was shocked but most of all sad.

What kind of beast of a human did this to her Ali? Who did this? Emily started crying harder.

No sound, just tears and shacky breaths. Emily let her head rest on Ali's stomach and let her tears drip on the wounds and bruises. She needed to pull herself together. So she went to the bathroom and made a cloath wet. When she returned Ali was deep asleep in her bra and shorts. She gently washed the girls body, making sure that there wasn't any blood left. After that she stroked the girls cheeck and looked at her face. She felt so angry. So fucking angry.

It was 2:30 when she tucked Ali in and after that she just sat next to her. Ali breathed slowly but was shaking like a leaf. It was a long night filled with tears, anger and having no power.

It was a total of 12 hours before Ali woke up. 12 hours long, Emily had been sitting beside her, cuddling her and looked after her. She felt so tired and her eyes were closing. But when Ali opened her eyes she was fully awake.

"Hey..." Was the first thing that Emily said. Bt Ali didn't answer. She just stared at the ceiling. Emily asked her a couple of questions. Alison didn't respond so she just carried the girl to the bathroom. Emily let the tub filling with water and when it was full she kneeled in front of Ali and looked in her empty eyes. God she felt so bad. What could have happened? Can I even ask her?

"Ali, I am going to put you in bath. Is it okay if I put out your bra and shorts?"

No answer.

"I am going to do it now..." She said and when Em started to undress her, a single tear rolled of Ali's cheeck. She looked pale, her hair was fuzzy, her body black and blue and deep scratches formed a random patern on her back and belly. A small blush appeared on Emily's face and even now, when she looked so broken, she still was beyond beautiful. Emily picked up the now naked girl and let her slowly sink in the tub. If Emily didn't hold her, she would just sink in the water and drown.

Emily washed the blondes hair and face and wrapped her in a big towel. Emily went to her room and grabbed some shorts and a shirt but when she returned, Ali was vomiting in the toilet. Emily ran over to her and held her hair in a ponytail. Ali kept going for 5 minutes and then she stopped.

"It's going to be okay Ali. Look, I am going to put this on to you." And she dressed Ali who still didn't say a word.

"I'm going to carry you downstairs so you can eat something." She said while stroking her back. Emily smiled at her but you could see sadness in her eyes.

They were sitting at the table but Ali hadn't eat a thing.

It was just so tiresome and it lasted for 2 days. Then Alison drank some water. (Because Emily litterly forced it in her mouth because Ali was dehydrated) The fourth day she managed to eat some toast and the sixth day she started doing things on her own.

Slowly.

Like going to the bathroom or going upstairs to sleep but nothing more.

The ninth day she started to reply with a "yes" or a "no, thank you". The tenth day Emily woke up but she didn't felt a body curled up against her like always so she sat up straight and looked around in the house. But Ali was gone and first she was mad because she just left. After all the things that Emily did for her. Washing her, taking care of her injuries, trying to feed her, hold her,... She just left. But once in her room she found a note.

Dear Em,

I'm sorry for leaving without warning. It was for the best I guess. I am really thankful for what you have done and I would have died without you. I know you deserve to know what happened and you will one day. But will you please try to forget it for now please? You will see me in 3 days when school starts again and everything will be okay...

I love you

X Ali

And Ali was right.

School started and Ali looked the same. She talked and laughed but and everything looked normal but Emily saw that she was faking it.

And it hurt.

**Gosh I am so freaking tired and I feel like this chapter is full with mistakes... Sorry guys :(**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: YOUR REVIEWS KEEP ME ALIVE. So please review ;)**

**I love you all even if you hate this story.**

**But please if you do could you at least give me advise?**

**Emily's pov**

I stepped out of my shower and I was shaking like hell. Of course I was because I was showering Antarctica style. My mother always told me that cold water is better to wake up. Also when you feel tired in the mornings you should just need to drink a glass water. I made my way to my car after grabbing a toast and headed to Aria's house to pick her up for school.

I stopped in front of her house and honked exactly 2 times. She came running and left her door open. Her mom shouted something and closed the door herself. I smiled because they just all seemed so happy.

'Hey em!' She said.

'Hey, did you overslept?' She laughed and nodded.

'Yeah, sorry I woke up with 15 minutes left so sorry if I'm a bit sweaty.' She said while sipping her coffee.

I smiled and told her it was fine while driving to school. We talked a bit and made some jokes. Aria was nice, she was always friendly and kind and she really cared about her fiends.

She was talking about a party she went to but I wasn't paying much attention.

"I don't know why but whenever he sees I'm having a good time he wants to go home.'

'Who?' I asked.

'Ezra…'

'Never heard anything so selfish in my life.'

That made her laugh and I just grinned with her.

'You look tired Em…' I looked at her as we stopped in front of the red lights and sighed.

'Yeah I am.' Aria looked at me with concern.

'How come?' And I just shrugged while she looked at me. What can I tell her? That I stay up late at night thinking about Ali? Thinking about what could have happened or saying that I'm worrying because she doesn't look happy…

It was just so hard.

'I don't know,… I just worry to much at night I guess.' Aria blinked and looked at the road.

'What do you worry about then?' She asked and I chuckled. Because I knew that question was coming. Good job Fields to make it yourself harder.

'Everything.' Aria knew that I didn't want to talk about it and just started fidgeting at her skirt.

When we were at school I stopped slowly and parked the car under a tree in the shadow.

'Aria, wait…' So she did and I start to feel doubt. Should I ask her? Maybe she feels the same? Or maybe she didn't and she is going to worry now…

Just take this chance Em.

'Do you think…I mean did you noticed that…I don't know…'

'Spit it out Em. Just tell me.'

She noticed how I stuttered.

'Do you think that there is something wrong with Ali?' She just asked and regretted it immediately. Aria closed her eyes and looked at the steering wheel.

'Yeah, I noticed…' She paused for a second.

'I can't put a finger on it but she just seemed different the last couple of months.' I nodded.

After a couple of minutes in silence Aria just smiled softly, she closed the door and left. I felt relieved because I wasn't the only one who noticed. I stayed in my car a little bit longer staring at teens and thinking.

Thinking, thinking, thinking,…

'Instead of thinking you should do something instead.'

She suddenly saw a wave of blond hair. It was Alison walking to school. Emily's breath hitched. Ali was just so beautiful but she didn't had chance. Ali was out of her league so the only thing she could do is just admire her beauty from the sideline

It hurt.

She realized she was gay a long time ago. Well actually she always knew. She came out a month ago and some people were mean but most of them were just sweet and supportive and now everything was normal. It was hard but not impossible.

They all sat down for math and Emily noticed that Alison sat in front of her. It wasn't something new but it was the way Ali acted that made Emily suspicious. The blonde didn't make any eye contact and it looked like she was carrying a truck on her shoulders. She just seemed so tired and like she had a battle going on inside of her. Emily tried to look at something else because nobody could know that she was starring at Alison.

Nobody could know about all her feelings towards Alison. But it was hard for Emily because Alisons hair was in a high ponytail and her neck was visible.

She kept starring at her neck imagining how it would feel when she should kiss it. Emily didn't notice that she was drooling so she licked her lips and tried to focus on her notebook. The weather was changing and it was becoming warm. In two days it would be spring. Emily smiled because with the nice weather, Ali would wear dresses or shorts…

Emily blushed, she knew it was wrong to think like this. Like a dirty teenage boy but she couldn't help it that Alison was so damn sexy. It was getting warmer today and at lunchtime, half of the students had changed there clothes with light fabrics. Hanna whore a dress, Aria a skirt and she and Spencer whore a short. But Emily noticed that Alison was sweating in her black sweater and blue jeans. Alison was scratching at her arms and Emily saw her hands were shaking. She wasn't the only one who saw because the rest of the girls were looking to.

'Are you okay Ali?' Aria asked and Alison had a panicking look in her eyes first but she managed to smile and reply with a 'Yes, of course.'

It was silent for 5 seconds. The only sound was the sound of talking and laughing students around them while they were sitting at the table eating lunch in the sun.

'Aren't you burning up Alison? It's like 24° and you're sitting here with autumn clothes.' Alison shook her head avoiding eye contact.

Emily looked at her clothes, trying to observe her. She sees that she was tugging her sleeves. She does that a lot when she's nervous. She started doing it a couple of months ago.

Always tugging those sleeves…


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I am so freaking sorry for updating so late but I was just really, really busy and I kind of had a writers block so please forgive me.**

**Review please **

**Nothing is my.**

**Ali's pov**

She knows, she knows, but she can't know...She doesn't know calm the fuck down. But why is she looking at my sleeves? I need to pull them more down.

Why wasn't it all a dream?

I guess destiny?

I just get so sick and tired of this feeling. It's a feeling that I don't even want to explain because it will make me sad and the fact that it makes me sad makes me feel angry. And so we go on and on. The heat was unbearable and I got this itching feeling at my hands. I tried to sit straight in the plastic chair and I closed my eyes. I actually believed that if I concentrated enough, I could really fly away from here. Or maybe just leave my body and go to a higher place were there would be no problems at all. Maybe were I could just smile and think: 'Wauw, I really am happy.'

Like, that would be wonderful, fantastic, amazing, outstanding,…

I spread my hands on the table and concentrated on my breathing, which seamed like to have been stuck between my lungs and throat. It happened before but never so long like now. You can't forget how to breath, she said to herself. So there she sat in pure darkness, not knowing if her friends noticed or not. She didn't hear a thing and without thinking she sat in her own world. Her world beyond everything.

Staying silent is sometimes the best thing you can do. I think it's hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. That's above and beyond everything else, and it's not a mental complaint – It's a physical thing, like it's physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out.

They don't come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people's words do; they come out in chunks as is from a crushed-ice machine; you stumble on them as they gather behind your lower lip. So you just keep quiet.

Aria and Spencer were chatting about a new movie while Hanna was checking her make-up. The way she pinched her eyelashes made me shiver. The way how Mona drank her coffee when she walked by made me shiver and the way everybody talked and gossip made me shiver the most. I hate this feeling of not feeling home…

Only Emily didn't made her shiver or nauseous. Emily felt like home, perfect home like a Scottish castle home. My kind of home.

She was just eating and sometimes I saw her glance at me with a slight blush on her caramel cheeks. Was it my mind again? My mind that wants to play games and tricks? Why is she so cute? I needed to be careful, Emily looks suspicious and that could be a problem in the future.

How hard her love for Emily was, a watch-dog will always be a problem in my life. They worry to much about you, they are over-protective towards you and they can be aggressive.

Emily is exactly like that and I think it's okay but I don't want her to worry because I am so ashamed of myself, my arms, my situation, my feelings, my depression,… I don't feel like talking to her about those things because it would hurt her. So I just need to be careful with my arms, hips and back because Dave likes to put art on my back. I call it 'crazy art'. You know… It's kind of crazy I guess to adorn my back in bruises and scratches.

The bell rang and it felt like I slept for a day or 2. My eyes opened slowly and everybody was starring at me. Well actually they were starring at my hands. Aria and hanna's mouth were open, Spencer looked shocked and Emily looked really concerned.

I never leaved so fast and I just tried to ignore the annoying feeling that was growing in my belly. While I was walking to English I looked at my hands. They were slightly bleeding because I was pinching those little areas between my fingers. So that's why they were looking so shocked… Well they don't have to be it's who I am now. I can't help it that I find my comfort in pain. It's who I have become. The old Ali has attempt to find the bottom of the dark universe were she finds peace in. It felt like the normal Ali needed to fight against the Ali she had become. It would be a battle she can't win. After the period she stayed with Emily, she needed to go home. Once there she prepared herself for anything. Her mother was furious but Dave didn't say a word to her. He just rubbed his hair and scratched his chin. Mother slapped me on the cheek and I was sent upstairs so I could think about my reckless actions. Every day I sunk deeper and deeper. Trying to find my own place. Every day my mom needed to fight with me. I didn't do anything wrong but she hated the fact to have such negative energy flowing trough her house.

'Stop being so lazy Alison and wake up.'

'Why do you have to be so moody?'

'Is it _that_ time of the month?'

'Why are you crying? Every time I see you, you are on the verge of crying or crying like a baby.'

'Stop acting like a spoiled teen.'

Those are things that I heard every single day. After a month, I loosed it… It was the first time that I 'zoned out'. Since that day I cut just to feel something. I am losing myself in a dark place and cutting makes me feel alive. Depression is a mind game. Some days, it'll trick you into thinking you're happy. You'll start believing that things will get better and everything will be okay. Some day, it'll trick you into thinking you were never happy, and never will be. You'll start believing that things will always be shit and everything is worthless. But at the same time, you don't wanna kill yourself, because you remember those good days, days with Emily… It's a mind game. When you're done playing, the game will restart and you will try to win again, only to lose. And you will keep playing and playing, because well, you don't wanna be here, but you know it'd suck if you weren't.

I was writing that sort of shit down in my notebook. While the teacher was trying to explain something about a book, Emily came in. Why do I always forget that she is in most of my classes? She looked at me with a face that I can't explain. It was like anger, sadness, confusion and shock at the same time. Like is that even possible?

_Wishing that I just could talk to her… About everything. _

_I want to tell her how much I love her, about that night, about Dave about my 'addiction' to feel pain, about my thoughts… Why can't I just tell her? Than maybe the voices would leave me alone for a short amount of time._

I guess the feeling of writing stuff down helps a bit. My black notebook was almost full. Filled with my thoughts and fears, like a depression you can touch.

Emily sat behind me and I felt the itching feeling again. That kind of feeling when you need to where those itchy sweaters that your grandmother makes. I started biting my thumb while I was looking at the blackboard. My foot was tapping up and down and I knew that Emily must notice.

_Stop it._

_She will ask… _

I'm losing my fucking mind. I can't stand to be around all these _disgusting _people who gossip about you and judge me like it doesn't matter if it hurts me. Disgusting people who think about _sex_ and eat like animals. Disgusting!

Disgusting!

Disgu…

**Buzzzz…**

My phone buzzed and I quickly looked at it to distract myself from my own mind.

**We need to talk…**

It was Emily who wanted "to talk" with me.

**About what ? **I send back and I needed to wait 2 minutes before I got an answer and it kind of made me feel satisfaction because she didn't respond immediately.

**You,**

**Deny it all you want Ali but I can see you're not fine. **

I rolled my eyes and scratched my chin. The itching feeling came back.

**I'm fine Em just leave it. **

**How about your hands? **My heart dropped. Not because I was surprised she knew because you really must be retarded if you didn't saw it but just because she mentioned it. Like I didn't expect that one and now she is using it against me.

**Things aren't always as they seem**

I decided that it was the end of the conversation so I putted my phone in my purse beside me in a way that she clearly saw it.

And she saw it…

_She saw it very well_


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Okay guys I was thinking but let's say that it was Alisons 17****th**** birthday because it isn't making any sense if they can drive and all this stuff. Let's say they are all 17 now. **

**Sorry :( **

Emily didn't know what to do when she first saw it. Alison was totally freaking out. She saw it by the way her shoulders tensed and the way her foot was tapping anxious on the ground of the pale classroom. So Emily send her a text. The other girls may be blind but she isn't. She still didn't knew what happened with Ali _that _night but it was pretty obvious that she was attacked and Emily had this urging feeling that she needed to protect her because that person could still be out there and the way Alison behaves is a hint that he or she is…

Emily needed to protect her from that person but that could only happen if Alison let her in. Now she received her text and it was an so Ali-like answer.

After she read the text she saw Alison putting her phone away what was a simply hint that meant the conversation was over but Emily was still going to talk to her. She saw Alisons arm stretching to grab her purse but her sleeve crept up. Alison was looking at the blackboard so she didn't notice how her scars were showing. Emily looked at her arm.

Red scars on her wrist.

Scars…

It was like pure evil and chaos on one inch of skin. Ali's skin… Ali's skin, Ali's skin, Ali's skin, ALI'S SKIN

ONE INCH OF HER GODDAMN SKIN FILLED WITH AGRESSIVE SCARS…

Emily was losing it. She was flipping, going crazy,… Holy shit she was burning up. She _knew_ that it was Ali who did it to herself.

_She just knew,_ she knew, she knew, Ali did it to herself,

_Alison_

_Did_

_It_

_To_

_HERSELF_

"Ezra, can I go to the bathroom?" All the students were looking at her even Ezra was looking.

"Oh I…I mean Mister Fitz." He nodded and gestured to the door.

"Sure Emily."

Once she was out of the classroom she ran outside to get fresh air. Trying to run away from the truth, Run, run, run Emily.

I couldn't handle this situation. I tried to keep myself up straight by leaning with my hands on my tights and my head between them. My eyes were closed and I breathed heavily. So many questions, so many thoughts.

"God Ali…" she said while she was hyperventilating. High sounding sounds slipped out of her mouth.

"Why?"

After 15 minutes of laying on the grass crying, she sat up straight. Emily couldn't handle this. She only saw an inch of Ali's wrist and it was like a bracelet of scars. This just can't be happening. The thought of Ali crying at night and cutting herself made her extremely sick. Emily needed to confront her with this. She was going to be Ali's rock whether she wants it or not.

Left, right, left, right, left,..

Ali was looking at her feet and finding a rhythm in her steps made her comfortable. That was until Emily stood in front of her on the porch. Alison was walking back home alone like usually but now Emily stood in front of her with an angry face.

But broken…

"Uhm Hey Em, can you move?"

"No Ali, No I can't. Not if you're not going to talk with me right now.' Emily knew she sounded angry but she was afraid that was the only way to let Alison talk. "Well, can we at least go somewhere inside I'm cold." Emily rolled her eyes because it was just a lie because it was colder inside then outside but she nodded. The walk was silence and awkward but Emily saw trough this 'I'm fine'-act of her. The way Alisons shoulders came up and how she tried to avoid eye-contact made it very clear and to be honest she wasn't mad she just was really sad and concerned about her but Alison was lying to her about this for a long time and she just need to be there for her. She just needs to.

Emily gestured to her bed, forcing Alison to sit. Alison was happy (not actually happy but relieved) that they didn't go to her house because her mother wasn't home but Dave was…

Emily leaned against her desk and looked at Ali in a mad way but she was concerned and sad but she doesn't want to show it. Alison looked so weak, like she was trying to look like a bitch now but I know it's her way of defence.

"Well,…" Ali asked and Emily rolled her eyes again. "Ali, I want to know what's wrong with you. You aren't fine…"

"Gosh Emily stop it I _am _fine how many times do I need to tell you that and I had just an itching feeling at my hands okay just don't overreact so much."

You know if you really are interested, you can see when Ali is lying. Emily saw it because when Alison tried to defend herself she looked at the ground 3 times for one short second. Because she was insecure and nervous.

"So if you're fine…" Ali nodded with her eyes closed "yessss…"

"Then you can show me your arm and tell me something about it."

Alisons fake smile dropped in a second. First she remained silent, second she became very, _very_ pale and started to breath fast, third she started sweating and then she tried to say something but nothing came out. Her lips just trembled and moved until she looked away. She looked at her hands who were forming two white balls. Emily was watching her without blinking. Not once,… When Alison zoned out she started to pinch her hands. Emily looked from her hands to her face in panic. She took her hands and held them in her own hands.

"Ali stop it!" Ali was just looking at nothing with her tear filled eyes.

"God Alison snap out of it! NOW!"

So Ali blinked, tears felt out of her eyes but she wasn't crying. Like she refused to cry but she couldn't force her eyes to tear up. Emily was still holding both of her hands.

"Show them Ali,…I know they are there so please let me help you. I can't _stand_ feeling so useless." She whispered not that there was anyone who could hear them. Ali continued to look at the ground but her arms relaxed so Emily looked at Ali's face, trying to let her look in her own eyes while she was kneeled between her legs.

Emily slowly pulled the sleeve up and her heart dropped. She was met with an enormous amount of scars and bruises and burns,…Cigarette-burns. White scars, red scars, purple scars, little scars, big scars, wide scars,… A crazy amount of scars.

She felt like throwing up but it would hurt Alison more. So she looked at her with her eyes filled with tears and shock but the blond was looking to the left. Breathing extremely slowly. _This can't be normal._

"Please Ali…Please…Talk to me…Explain it please…" Ali still didn't look so Emily took her chin gently as possible and turned her to look right in her eyes.

"I…I can't." Emily looked at her arm again and stroked her scars with her thumb. Ali shivered but not in a bad kind of way, in a kind of I-want-to-kiss-you-way. She stroked them really softly but Ali started panicking when Emily tried to look at her other arm but she was to late. Before she could even pull away Emily had already seen her other arm. They both were the same she guessed. Just other patterns. But Emily didn't saw that as a positive point. As soon as she saw the other arm she just gasped and placed her left hand on her eyes. She stood straight and turned around to the window were she was crying silent. Her long dark hair was shining in the sunlight and her tan arms shivered. Alison just stayed silent and observed the other girl from the edge of the bed.

There they were, Alison on Emily's bed with her sleeves up and Emily crying with her head resting against the window.

After a good 7 minutes Emily turned around like she was prepared now. She made her way to Alison and gently pulled her up.

"I'm going to take your clothes of and take care of…of _these._" Emily touched both of Ali's arms, hoping that she didn't make her uncomfortable.

But Ali was just looking at her feet. It didn't matter to her anyway. Emily pulled the black sweater of and let it fall on the ground. She examined the smaller girls body and stepped around her. On her belly were a few scratches and scars but it was her back that concerned the brunette. It was literally covered with scars and bruises. But this time Emily didn't made a sound. She just stroke it. What was she supposed to do? She wasn't prepared for this…

She felt Ali's warm body under her hand and the air thickened. Alison breath hitched when she felt Emily's soft hand stroking her back but her head went crazy when she felt soft lips touch her shoulder. She was standing in just her pants and black bra, feeling insecure but crazy in love at the same time. This is what makes her happy. This is what happiness means she thought and the first time in 5 months she felt like really, really home. Not the fact that Emily was hurt like hell but the feeling of Emily's breath on her bare shoulder. Emily was blushing and her knees became weak. She wasn't ready with Alisons body and it made her sad. But despite of all the scars and bruises and whatever kind of pain is formed on her body, Emily couldn't help but notice that she still was so freaking beautiful. She still was the most perfect girl ever and it made her heart explode to feel the soft but damaged skin on her lips.

"I'm going to pull your pants down but you can do it if you don't want me to touch them." Emily said and if Alison was honest she wouldn't do a thing now because nothing felt better then the touch of Emily Fields. But she didn't want Emily to think that she liked it if she did it. So she pulled her own pants down and stood insecure in her black bra and underwear. She secretly looked at Emily's face just to see her broken but red face. Emily just didn't thought and carried the girl gently to the bed and laid her down. Now she let her fingers slowly touch the scars on her hips and tights and Emily realized on this moment, this silent emotional painful moment, that this was the most horrible she ever felt. Emily saw goose bumps appearing on Alisons body so she gave a slow kiss on her stomach just above her bellybutton, then she went to the bathroom to completely break down.

**I'm sorry if you guys want trigger warnings or something but I'm guess I'm a bit late now :s this is a heavy chapter I guess… Reviews please**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/O: Hey everyone hope you enjoy it if not let me know if yes let me also know ;)**

**No1knowsA: hahaha yeah sorry I'm from Belgium so I use Celsius :/ but you can say 20°c is hot and 40°c is very hot so I hope that helps ;)**

**Reviews are more welcome then my mother**

**I don't own pretty little liars **

"This world is so un-perfect." Ali whispered and Emily glanced at her. She looked insanely beautiful in the moonlight and I want to say something about it but it's kind of hard when she's right.

"Yes,…Yes it is." Ali smirked and I turn around on the mattress to lean on my right hand and look at her face instead of the stars because even the stars couldn't beat that.

"You know Ali,…There are many things that I would like to say to you. But I don't know how." Now also Ali mirrored her so they were both looking at each other. You can't deny the attraction and spark between the two of them like they were really soul mates. Like their atoms attracted each other. Ali couldn't live without Emily like literally there are so many girls who cry about the fact that they 'can't live without him.' But that's just a big fat lie compared with Ali or Emily.

Because they really can't live without each other. 2 hours ago Alison felt like she could jump of a building. But Emily tried very hard to help her even when she couldn't because she was on the verge of breaking down. But Emily took band-aid and some kind of alcohol to heal the scars and even though I didn't them to heel, I just let her because I wanted to feel her touch. So she just sat beside me on her bed and first she kissed every single scar and I was burning up like hell but she didn't stop. Then she started at my hips, my stomach, my arms when she did that she kissed my forehead looking intensely in my eyes. The urge to kiss her was gigantic. But I didn't… Because I was afraid. After her kiss on my head she whispered in my ear.

"Can you please turn around so I can do your back." So I did and I was just enjoying her touch but she was really suffering. Emily was suffering not because she found out Alison cut herself, also the fact that she was pouring pure alcohol in her fresh wounds and she wasn't flinching. In fact, it looked like she was enjoying the pain of the alcohol finding it way in her scars. It concerned Emily because such things hurt like hell and Alison was like sleeping or something.

Now it was 2 am and they dragged Emily's mattress to her roof and now they were just laying on it with a blanket and a couple of cushions looking at the stars. After a bottle of vodka Alison became more open.

Kind of…

Emily played this game smart. She decided to act like she was also drinking but she wasn't. Just so she can remember what happened.

"You can ask me whatever you want now. Maybe it's the only chance you have." Emily swallowed and shoved a little bit closer to Ali.

"I just…I… I just wonder…why?" there was absolutely no other sound than the sound of the girls breathing and sad words.

"I want to tell you so bad but I don't want to lose you."

"You. Are. Not. Going. To. Lose. Me." Ali smirked again and rolled her eyes.

"You are really beautiful Em." She said and she touched Emily's cheek shortly. Emily couldn't help but smile.

"And you're drunk and changing the subject. Tell me now."

She sighed. "I'm sorry I pushed you away."

"Ali it's fine okay but please tell me why?" Emily knew that she tried to change the subject and if she would be drunk she would buy it. But she isn't.

"I spend way to much time in my head." She rolled on her back as she said it and looked at the stars.

"What do you mean." And Ali sighed like it was so obvious and it kind of made her sad because she felt like annoying her but she understands it.

"What's more deadly a gun or a thought?" What is that for question? She thought.

"Uhm, a gun I guess." She answered.

"A gun gives you the opportunity but a thought pulls the trigger." And after 30 seconds of pure thinking about that one line Emily started to get it.

"Your thoughts are killing you?" Alison looked at her in way that you can't subscribe. Like they both thought the same and felt the same.

"What kind of thoughts?"

"I don't want to explain."

"What about that night?" Alisons eyes shot open and she hates and loved the fact that Emily always seems to surprise her.

"_Dave Raped me." _

Holy shit… Holy fucking crap shit.

"What?!" Emily yelled and she regretted it because Ali turned around on the mattress, trying not to face her.

"He raped me that night and I ran of to you." Emily's heart sank for the fourth? Fifth? Time this night.

"But…But…"

"There is nothing more… I just fell. I just fell into this dark place and it seems impossible to come out. Sometimes I just don't want to come out." Emily looked at her back. She was wearing a white T-shirt but she could see the wounds. But how sad Alison sounded, Emily understands: All Alison ever saw were her flaws; which made her believe that they were all she was made of. It was all Dave's fault. He ruined her life. She slowly sneaked her arm under the blanket and held Alisons waist. She pressed her belly against the smaller girls back and sniffed her hair.

"You seem very tired."

"I am."

"What are you tired of?"

she shrugs. "Everything."

And I guess that explained a lot.

That's how that horrible day ended, laying in each others arms in the darkness of the night. Both feeling like home. Emily thought that this was how the day ended, but it didn't. Alison turned around and Emily saw her face flinching because of the pain. Now their legs were tangled and they just held each others waist while starring in the opposites eyes. Emily felt Ali's hot breath on her lips and she just couldn't hold back anymore. She slowly closed her eyes while she came closer. When she placed her lips on the other girls pink ones, a million sparks appeared in front of the brunettes eyes. She kissed her…

She kissed her.

And after four full seconds, Ali started to kiss her back. She slowly pulled away just to look at Ali's face hoping that she was fully aware and not drunk. Teeth are revealed in a sly smirk as she looked in her eyes and Emily knew that this was the kind of smile she wanted to see everyday. This was the kind of smile she would kill for to see on Alisons face. She realized that she loved her so goddamn much.

"Holy shit Alison I love you so freaking much…" Emily didn't think what could happen when she told her that because she didn't care anymore. Alison looked at her in silent but after a brief couple of seconds she just swinged her damaged arms around Emily's neck and let her fall in her arms. Emily laid on her back on the mattress with Ali on top of her, smiling like she hadn't smiled for days and that was more than true because she hadn't smiled in months only fake smiles that hurt her cheeks. God she was sexy even with all the pain she carried.

"I love you too. God, I've never loved anyone the way I love you. I would give you everything I have to give if you'd only let me in a little." Emily smiled widely at that respond.

"But I'm going to let you in big time Alison. That's all I ever wanted for three years." Alison giggled and kissed her slowly and gently on the lips, slightly nibbling her bottom-lip. She took it between her teeth and sucked on it. Emily couldn't help but moan. Not sexual just pure pleasure in a romantic way. Emily kissed her back softly but hungry because she was afraid to hurt her. After a couple of pure heaven minutes filled with kisses, Alison kissed her forehead. And then she kissed her nose. And then her cheeks. Her jaw. And finally her lips. Emily giggled while Alison smiled.

"You're tired Alison. I think you need to sleep." Alison looked in her eyes and Emily thought she was cute because she had this big puppy eyes. The blond girl leaned on her flat hands which rested on Emily's chest.

"Do you want me to sleep?" She answered. Emily just sneaked her hands under the white shirt and touched the scars slowly while looking at the moon.

She sighed. "No, I don't want you to sleep because I'm afraid that you will act like it didn't happened and then you will pull your walls up again. But you need to sleep. You deserve it." Alison was kind of shocked when she heard that so she sat up straight on Emily's stomach who was looking afraid just because she wasn't prepared for sexual contact. At least that was what she expected when Ali sat on her like that.

"Emily, you need to understand that…" She paused for a minute looking up. "You need to understand that …You are the only thing in my life that is beautiful and perfect. You are the one thing that feels like home and I know this for a very long time, a very, very long time and it's not going to change. Drunk or sober, I love you and that is all that matters." Emily smiled at her with rolling eyes and Ali pecked her lips.

"But you need to know that I mean all this stuff because I thought about it a lot. And I will feel the same tomorrow but I don't know if I'm ready to come out." She started doubting a lot of things in the sudden of time. She started thinking about Dave, about her friends and most important of all: Emily. Because honestly, she's a mess and what if she is going to fuck up the most perfect thing in the world. Emily snapped her fingers.

"I can see from the look on your face that you are doubting. Stop worrying for tonight Alison. Just relax now we will figure it out tomorrow." And with that Alison just smiled again and just snuggled up against Emily. This girl just knew her to good.

She listened to Emily's heartbeat and felt in a peaceful sleep for the first time in five months.

**A/N: I guess this was a pretty long chapter but I had this urge to keep going :) Reviews if something bothers you**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N Thanks for the feed people :) tell me what you think and how you feel.**

**I also want to thank ****PPL-Naomily-iCarlyLover ****you are really sweet and supportive thank you :) **

Orange sunlight was shining in her eyes, it was probably the reason she woke up. Her eyes opened slowly and her body hurt because of the cold. It was a beautiful experience to sleep on her rooftop but the cold isn't that great. Emily looked at her right to be met with blonde hair sprawled on the cushions. She wasn't facing her but they still held hands, the whole night long, I think both of us were afraid to break the contact in case it wasn't real. I wanted to cuddle with her and hold her tight but I guess I was also afraid that she would react hostile if I would touch her. So now Emily was just watching her sleep, her fragile body moved up and down because of her shallow breaths. She was waking up and turned around to face Emily. It was a moment of perfect silence, the air was moist and the light was pretty. The only sound was the sound of birds singing at the sun to let her now they were awake. The sound of a car or two and the sound of their heart beat.

'I'm in love with you.' She said quietly.

'Alison…' I said.

'I am,' She said. She was staring at me, and I could see the corners of her eyes crinkling. 'I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.' Emily held her breath and she didn't want to argue. Not that she needed to. So she just closed her eyes and kissed her like there was nothing else that matters in this world and to be honest, there was nothing that matters to her except the girl she was kissing on this very moment. And that is the only thing that felt real to her.

'How much do I mean to you?'

She smirked. 'You can't even imagine.'

'Do you think you can be honest in public with me?' And then she sighed, closing her eyes like I've hurt her for the millionth time. 'I really, really want to show you everything I can but I'm afraid for Dave and most of all, I'm afraid for you…'

'Dave can suck it, if we tell your mother she would dump him under any circumstances because I know she loves you even if you are with me and if Dave would react negative to that your mother will show him the door.' Alison giggled because she knows that was truth.

'I know you're right about that.'

'But why me?' And it was a painful but honest answer.

'Because,…I love you, more then anything else in this rotten world and I would do anything for you also because I have very less to lose. Except you… I don't want to ruin you with my problems. I couldn't stand to see you sad or broken just like me _because_ of me.' Emily saw a small tear roll out of Alisons eye and she wiped it away with her thumb.

'Well Ali, you need to understand that I'll always come running back to you, no matter how many times you would hurt me, or how many times you would make me cry, as soon you need me I'll be there. So why would we miss this chance of being happy if I would come back anyway.' And Alison thought it made perfectly sense. Alison sat up straight and Emily just followed her movements with her brown almond eyes. This time it was her who leaned in and she brushed her lips against mine, it started off gentle and slow almost like she was testing me to see how far she could go. She kisses like a sweet devouring, and I don't know where to touch her because I want all of her.

'Your lip stick stain is a work of art.' Emily told her.

'Yours is a masterpiece.' And those four words lighted a fire inside Emily that no other person than Alison could cause.

After 7 am they took the mattress inside and cleaned up a bit. Emily let Alison shower first because she saw she needed it. She sat on her bed and tried to let her thoughts run. Maybe that wasn't a good idea because she needed to cherish her thoughts and think about what she needed to do that is best for Alison. It was simple she needed to get rid of Dave, try to make her happy and let her stop cutting. Those are the things that really mattered so she was going to talk to her later maybe to clearly discuss this with her. Now she was to tired to do it and Alison wasn't in the mood to talk about. She just knew that it was important to do this gentle. Emily rested on her back and thought about their evening. The evening that belonged only to them and she smiled. Alison came out of her bathroom with just a towel around her and Emily couldn't help but stare at the girl. Alison looked shyly at her but with a slight smile and a blush started to appear on both of their cheeks.

'You know what always seemed so ridiculous to me?' Alison smiled while she looked at her feet and shook her head. She was just so cute, standing there shy just swaying her legs a bit while holding the towel, drops of water covering her body.

'The fact that people want to be around someone because they're pretty. It's like picking your breakfast cereals based on colour instead of taste.' Emily said while crawled on her hands and feet towards Alison, gingerly pulling her closer. Alison looked with big eyes in her own eyes, her pupils were big and her breath hitched.

'But you are sure more than pretty. Actually you are the most beautiful girl in the world darling.' Alison giggled while threw her head back looking at the white ceiling. Emily took her chance and kissed her on her throat and jaw line, feeling her hot and wet skin. She sucked and bit the delicate skin and placed small kisses on it. She really wanted to put a hickey on it but she was afraid that Alison would pull back.

'Where is your mother?' Alison asked and Emily sighed, leaning her forehead against Alisons chest. Ali smiled at her with a look that says 'forgive me' so Emily smiled back.

'She left a note yesterday she is travelling with other families for a month or so.' Alison laughed.

'You don't even know how long?'

'I have other things on my mind darling.'

'Like what?'

'You.'

'Cheesy.'

'You love it.'

'Yeah…'

Emily picked out a short with a shirt and jacket for herself and helped Alison witch choosing clothes that didn't reveal her scars.

'It's going to be hot today maybe you can wear this dress and then you can put this light jacket on it.' Alison nodded while her head was leaning on her hand. She shuffled a bit because she still wasn't used to talking about her scars and showing them but it felt good to just act who she is with Emily.

'Yeah I guess that's possible.'

'The dress is long enough for the…for them on your hips.' Alison sighed and looked at the tan girl who was holding a long black dress and a jeans jacket.

'Emily you can say scars okay? It's fine with me.' Emily nodded.

'I just want you to promise me to stop it.'

'I don't make promises. People are shitty with promises.'

'I know but please do it for me.'

'I'm going to break it.'

Emily sighed and looked around with a broken expression, when she looked at Alison she was just standing with her arms crossed looking at the closet they were standing in front of.

'Then promise me that you will let me know if you have the urge. So you can talk to me and forget about it.'

…

'Okay.' Emily smiled widely and hugged her. She whispered in the blondes ear.

'I just hate to see you suffer like that.' Alison nodded and smelled the brunettes hair. It smelled like coconuts.

After an hour they were ready, Emily drove them to school while she was holding her hand in the car.

'You sure you want to wait? I don't know if I can keep my hands of you.' Emily said while Alison was singing along with the radio.

'You'll have to my dear and yes I'm sure, one day it will happen but not today. We both don't know what tomorrow will bring and if not tomorrow, the day after tomorrow.' Emily looked at her face. Alisons answers were always so interesting.

'Just be patient.' Alison kissed her on the corner of her cheek before leaving the car swaying her hips because she knew Emily was looking.

This is going to be pure hell Emily thought after sinking in her car seat.

**Thanks for reading :) **


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N Heyyy people thanks for reading Love you all. This is more a romantic chapter because I really want to show their bond.**

**If you really want an intense feeling you should listen to**

**Dark Paradise**** from ****Lana Del Rey**

**Like if I would **_**own **_**PLL I would use dark paradise orrrr ****Wildest Moments**** from ****Jessie Ware**** (for the intense toilet scene ;p)**

**But I don't own them :(**

Alison hid behind a fence and lit her cigarette. She inhaled the smoke and blew it out in the air. Just disappearing and she wished she could disappear like that to. Not that she wasn't happy with Emily not at all but it's her depression that tells her to die and she couldn't stop listening to it. She slowly putted the cigarette against her wrist, closing her eyes and enjoying the incentives. She knew Emily would be mad when she found out. But Emily didn't understand how it feels like to live in this dark hole. She just doesn't get her. But that didn't stop her from loving her. But Alison was still insecure, like she was so sad for so long and suddenly the thing she wants most happens? There must be a catch. Maybe there wasn't maybe it was destiny. Like she already thought. She threw the cigarette on the pavement and placed her high heel on it. For the first time she felt not ugly. Emily convinced her to wear a dress and that was a long time ago. She also did her hair pretty and putted on some make-up. Emily really needed to concentrate because Ali was giggling every time she came near her face. Alison smiled at the thought as she walked back in school. She hoped that she didn't pass Emily so she wont say anything about the cigarette smell. Her phone buzzed when she was taking some stuff out of her locker. She took it out and her breath stopped.

**1 message DAVE**

She opened it with a terrible feeling. It felt like the noisy hallway went completely silent in just a second.

**Your mother and I are travelling with Pam Fields and a couple of friends but mommy doesn't have a phone with her so you can contact me baby girl x**

**(Oh yeah there are two presents at home: one on the kitchen table and one in your room) **

Alison didn't know what to feel because she was so happy that they were gone for at least a month but the way he communicated made her throw up. She just made her way to Biology were she met Spencer. She smiled at the brunette as she sat down beside her.

'Hey Ali, you're in a good mood.' Spencer said while taking a book out of her handbag.

'I guess I am.' She replied.

'Something happened?'

She shrugged.' I don't know, my parents are gone for a month.' Spencer looked at her with a kind of compassion expression.

'Oh I'm sorry…'

'Don't be Spencer it's good news.' And Alison smiled back at her. They needed to do a couple of assignments like analyze a frog but they just kept on talking. They talked about Toby, new gossip, new people, events and they told each other funny stories. Alison felt great because she didn't know that it could have such an effect on the people around her if she was happy or just pretending to be.

Her phone buzzed again and Spencer gave it to her because it was laying close to her.

'I see it's from Em.' Spencer said and she smirked. Alison looked at her with a confused face.

'What do you mean?' Spencer smirked more and looked at her paper with a big smile on her face.

'I don't mean anything Ali. Give me the notes, I'm going to write them down already.' She gave her the notes while looking strange at her.

**Hey baby, **

**How you're doing? Tell me if need to escape then I will come with you if you want me to xxx**

Allison smiled at the text and answered, she saw Spencer glaring at her.

'Oh come on Hastings why are you acting so weird.' Spencer giggled and avoided eye contact with the blonde girl.

'I'm just being myself Ali don't be so anxious dear.' Alison just rolled her eyes what made Spencer smile more.

The bell rang and she just headed outside to eat lunch. She was met with Hanna in the hallway so they headed outside together laughing about a movie they recently watched. They walked towards their lunch table and Emily and Alison held eye contact. This was so hard because Alison had the biggest urge to kiss her and if she wasn't going to get it she would do it right now.

'Hey girls, oh Em can you come with me for a second I need to give you those math notes.' Emily blushed and looked at her sandwich for a second just so she could hide her red face.

'Yeah, yeah of course.' Alison smiled.

'Okay awesome come, they're in my locker.' The three other girls looked at each other with a slight smile, trying to hide it. Once the other two girls were gone they started smirking widely.

'They are so going to make out in a janitors-closet.' Hanna said.

Spencer giggled. 'Yeah they are, they were totally sexting in Biology.' The two girls laughed together but Aria rolled her eyes.

'Come on guys just let them work these things out on their own.'

'Oh they will Aria they will work it out just fine.' Hanna said.

'They are just so obvious, it's kind of cute how they blush and panic so fast.' Spencer stated and they all agreed.

Alison grabbed Emily's wrist and pulled her inside the empty toilet-stall and started kissing her hungry. She ran her hands along Emily's sides and sucked her jaw while Emily buried her hands in the blond locks.

'You…'

'Have…'

'Been…' Emily tried to say something but Alison just kept on kissing her and she just kissed her back with closed eyes and her heart beating in her ears.

'Smoking…' Alison nodded and pulled away looking ashamed at her.

'Sorry.' Emily was holding her face in both of her hands.

'No, it's okay Ali.' And the brunette wanted to kiss her again but Alison looked confused.

'Why is it okay?' She asked and Emily just started making out with her using her tongue aggressively, It was like a movie scene.

She whispered in her ear: 'Because it turns me on big time.' So Alison laughed and they continued to kiss and wonder each others body. I guess they could both agree that sexual feelings didn't matter as much as just the romantic feelings, the feeling of being home was more important and that was unique.

The way they kissed each other and touched each other was pure two humans who only were one soul when they were together. It was their head and heart who told them to look and search for the other so they can be happy. Nothing sexual, just real attraction.

They both felt firework and sparks flying around when they kissed, and they could go one for hours and days. Because when they kiss, they both knew that their heart was going crazy and it was addicting.

'You could cut my heart out and throw it away and it will still beat to the sound of your voice.' Alison whispered.

'I'm never going to hurt you Ali, you need to trust me because I would rather kill myself than be the reason you're in pain.' I pulled of Emily's jacket and just dropped it on the ground of the stall which luckily had walls against the floor so people wouldn't see their feet. I broke the kiss to look at her before I kissed her again, this time she ended up against the door of the stall, I removed my arms from her neck while she pulled my jacket down. I couldn't believe that this was happening. After a long kiss I stopped and I pressed my forehead against hers allowing us both to catch our breath. I felt her hand brush against my cheek before her arms settled around my neck. Emily could feel the heat of Alison against her chest and she could feel her shallow breaths under her arms. When Alison pulled of her shirt she didn't know if Ali would be comfortable if she pulled of her dress and reveal all the scars beneath them. So she just waited and kissed her while Ali wrapped her arms around her waist. Emily could literally feel the scars against her body and it made her shiver and stop. She needed to stop for a moment because the air was becoming to heavy and she could just feel those damaged arms crumble against her sides. Emily was looking up with closed eyes and a couple of tears rolled out of her eyes. They found their way along her skin until they touched Ali's face which was resting against her chest. She could feel that Alison was looking at her in question. Alison tried to kiss her cleavage and collarbones but she felt Emily shake so she just held her close.

'I'm so sorry Ali.' She said with a cracking voice. A couple of tears rolled out of Alisons eyes to while she still held her close. Trying to be as close as possible Alison shook her head.

'Don't be. I know nobody wants me so why would _you _think I'm beautiful or sweet or perfect or just the love of your life…Those things are to good to be true.' Emily looked down immediately and grabbed the small girls shoulders, looking straight in her teary eyes.

'You don't get it Ali, you ARE perfect, you ARE the love of my life and you are crazy beautiful but it just hurt so freaking much to see or in this case _feel _your…your…'

'Say it.'

Emily was suffocating, it was as steel knife in her windpipe, she can't breath anymore. But she knew inside her heart that this was the feeling that Ali felt every fucking single day. A steel knife in her windpipe she couldn't breath but she still fight, while she even can't fight. Alison was high of a love and drunk from the hate it's like Ali loved it the more that she suffered, she was suffocating and right now she was about to drown and Emily finally understood it. It's so insane.

'Your SCARS!...'

They remained silent for a moment and Ali sat on the closed toilet looking at Emily who was standing in her bra and other clothes against the stall-door. The brunette was breathing heavy and she needed to lean on her tights.

'Your scars Ali… They…They…' Tears rolled shameless out of both their eyes.

'They hurt me so much. I'm so mad that I didn't stop it or did something about it. And I don't think they are disgusting or something like that but they hurt me to. You need to understand that.' Alison looked her straight in her eyes.

'And I don't want you to feel bad for it. I don't want you to leave me alone so I wouldn't be hurt because that would hurt me more than this…I…I…I just want you to stay. I want you to stay with me. Be a team with me and let me please help you.'

…

Alison looked at the ground.

'You don't need to do this alone. You need to understand that I would be much more relaxed if you would let me help you. Because now.' And now Alison looked at her again to see her take a deep breath.

'Now I just can't be sure and then I feel your scars and I don't know if you did it again or thought about it…I guess you also need to understand that it will hurt me a lot but I will get used to them to Ali, So please don't run away from me just for this stupid break-down and just understand that I need you.'

'It wasn't stupid.' Emily looked at her and took her palms in her hands. Alison quickly dropped her gaze and found interest in the floor, while Emily ran her thumbs up and down her scars, she slowly took Ali's palm to her face and kissed it gentle. Alisons tears flowed but she didn't make a sound. She doesn't like to show her weakness.

'I understand. Just know how much guilt I feel right now.' Ali said

'I don't want you to. I just want you to be happy…'

She paused for a second again.

'And naked…' The brunette whispered and Ali looked at her with a big smirk.

'You've got to be kidding me.' They started laughing with fresh tears on their cheeks and they just knew on this moment that they were actually soul mates. Because only soul mates can make you cry and laugh at the same time and they just kept on laughing like they didn't even cried before.

'You really are my soul mate Emily.' And Emily blushed.

'I guess I am.'

'Am I not yours?' Alison said with sadness in her voice.

'You can't be my soul mate if I weren't yours stupid.' Emily stated and Alison giggled and her eyes sparkled.

'Promise me you will stop, please Ali. You don't know how much stress I have because of that, it's killing me to know that you're not safe.' Alison sighed and Emily still held her arms while she sat kneeled in front of the blonde.

'I am not going to promise you Em but I promise I'm going to do the best I can to stop it. I already promised you to call you when I feel the urge…'

'But you didn't.' Emily interrupted and Ali just looked at the ground.

'I can see these cigarette-burns Ali, and yeah the cigarettes turns me on but those don't' She said while nudging the burns with her head.

'I'm sorry.'

'I know you are. But please don't break this promise Ali you can text or call me whenever you want.' Ali nodded with a little smile.

'Okay…'

'We are a team Ali… Never forget that.'

Emily kissed her slowly.

'Tonight stargazing with me?' Emily asked, Ali looked at her with a shy smirk.

'Okay but first I need to go home because they said they left presents.' Emily laughed and was glad that her parents were gone.

'And if we can make it really cosy.' Emily laughed against her lips and nodded.

'Deal.'

**I hope you enjoyed it xx**

**Give me some feed and thoughts **


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Your reviews are like my boost to update :) Thanks guys**

They decided to just skip school and enjoy each others presence because that is the only thing that made them truly happy. Love felt so great when it was real. Emily thought and she just watched how Alison was singing along with the music. Emily drove herself and Ali at her house, they pulled out the mattress trough her window, she picked her covers and some cushions while Ali took a stereo and plugged her iPod in. Ali decided that she would look for the presents later so they could just relax now. It was 3pm, the weather was nice and warm and they were both laying on the bed in just their underwear and bra like they didn't care about the world anymore just each other. Emily looked how Alison blew out her cigarette-smoke and it may be bad for her but it was so undeniable sexy. She was singing along with Lana Del Rey and it was like Emily was in love with an angel.

"Loving you forever, can't be wrong. Even though you're not here, won't move on." She pulled her cigarette again and looked straight in her face while singing again.

"And there's no remedy for memory your face is like a melody, it won't leave my head.' Alison has a beautiful voice. Like really beautiful and Emily thought she was like the homo universalis: the versatile human. The person who was literally perfect. She really was, she was beautiful, friendly, funny, kind, polite, strong, she had so many talents and she was just so freaking perfect She still was singing and smoking her cigarette and Emily rested her head on her belly while looking at her. Not that she ever stopped looking. Alison took another pull of the cigarette and kissed her slowly while letting the smoke release a bit in her own mouth. Emily thought she was going to cough and lose it but it felt actually really great. It always felt good to kiss her soft pink lips. She always whore this candy lip-gloss but Emily had kissed her when she was a mess and then her lips didn't taste like candy but blood because she was chewing her lips but she didn't deny the fact that it felt amazing. Even when it was so morbid to think such thinks.

"How do you feel now?" Emily asked. Alison looked down but after a brief second she just looked away. Emily found it cute and sad that Alison avoided eye-contact when she was ashamed.

"Happy."

"Why?"

"Because you are with me sweetheart." And Alison planted a ticklish kiss on her forehead.

"Do you still have, you know… the feeling that you should cut?" She was feeling a bit nervous and unsure if she may ask that question but she did anyway and it was pretty normal that she was concerned.

"Yes."

"Why don't you tell me?"

"Because I feel it all the time. You know Emily… This is just the feeling that I was used to. Now you're here and I love you so much and you make me happy but it was the feeling that I learned to live with and I know it will sound so wrong but that feeling felt like home." Emily just despised it to hear those things from Ali's mouth.

"But why did you do that? I mean it's not like it solved any problems."

"No, you're right it doesn't solve anything but imagine this darling: you are going to bed. It's a month ago that your step-dad raped you, you haven't slept in a month or maybe an hour in 3 days or something. So you just lay in your bed and you feel you can't sleep AGAIN even if you're so tired…" Emily was listening very well and noticed that Alison was stroking her tan shoulders with her left hand, but she was pinching her own tight with her other hand.

"But eventually you fall asleep let's say around 3am and then you wake up at 6am fully awake because you had a terrible nightmare that included _him _and it's like the 4th time you dream about him because you felt asleep four times in a month and you start to cry, cry, cry and there is nobody who helps you on that moment. So you start to go crazy, calling yourself names and start to scratch your face until you break down instantly and just take something sharp." Emily took Alisons right hand and held it firmly. The skin on her pale tight was red.

"And the feeling you got when your skin got open was addicting and your only escape so you didn't stop… That's why Emily, that's why I do it because it makes me feel something and nothing at the same time."

Emily nodded and sat up looking at her understandingly.

"You _need_ to stop now."

"I try Emily, I try."

Emily was kind of amazed when she heard how Alison explained how she felt. When they headed to Alisons house to pick up the 'presents'. While they were driving and Emily asked her how it felt and Alison was shy but did her best to explain. She told her that it was just living under water. She could hardly breath and she was drowning, she wanted to go out, she wants to feel better but something was pulling her down and Em knew it was Dave so she said to Ali: "You need to close it with Dave, I don't know how…Maybe he needs to get out of your life or get arrested but you need closure so you can stop the cutting to." And Alison said she was right but she didn't know how to close it and Emily thought that she needed to tell her mother but it was kind of risky so maybe just go straight to the police, but that's kind of late now… Emily didn't know it. It was heavy and difficult for her too. She took Alisons left arm and kissed it again and they both knew it was their thing. A thing they both understand and meant something big. Alison felt comfortable and she knew she wasn't alone when Emily kissed her skin like that and Emily felt like a saver and responsible because she needed her to trust her and she just wanted Alison to know that she had her. So Emily just held her hand and felt the roughness of the brutal skin. They parked in front of the house and get out of the car. Alison grabbed her hand and pulled her in her arms so she could give her a slow kiss on her lips and Emily smiled in the kiss.

"Save it for tonight dear." And they giggled, opening the door and entering the house.

"One on the kitchen table." They went to the kitchen and Alison saw an envelop. Emily stood behind Alisons shoulder to see what's in it. It was a huge amount of cash and Emily gave her a reassuring rub on her neck. Now they were standing right in front of her bedroom-door and Alison opened it slowly. Another envelop on her bed this time. Alison opened it again but sat down on her chair so Emily couldn't see what was in it. It were pictures and an USB-stick. Alison eyes widened and her breath became stuck in between her ribs and lungs. She became very pale and she was going to throw up, she was going to throw up so she ran to the bathroom with the envelop with her. There was no chance in hell that Emily was going to see these pictures of her being raped. Alison didn't even know that he took pictures. She putted de stick in her pocket and the envelop between her bra.

She needed to hide it from Emily.

**Tell me what you think**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N Hey guyyys it's Tuesday what means pll day ! I guess we all hope for Emison tonight.**

**I don't own them though … It's kind of sad, like we write gigantic stories about a TV-show or a movie or a book like we think we can write it better. (but sometimes we do :p)**

**Enjoy and review they keep me writing**

**Ali's Pov**

I'm a 100% honest when I say that I hate Dave. In fact I despise him. But it's not that I have known any different. You see, my father wasn't the best man in the world either (of course Dave is worse). But he was a real bastard too and I remember a certain day with him. My father's big-time fling I call it. I came home from school one day and my mother was sitting, crying. There was a woman there with a large nose and my father was there. My mother said, "come here."

I walked over and she said, "Do you love me?"

I wasn't quite sure but I told her, "yes." Then my father said to me, "Get the hell out of here." And my mother said, "No, Alison, stay."

"I'll kill you," I told my father what was pretty harsh but that's how I felt on that moment.

"Oh, Christ,"" said the woman with the big nose, "I'm getting out of here!"

"who do you love?" My mother asked my father and my father began crying.

"I love both of you." He said.

"I'll kill you," I told him again.

The woman with the big nose grabbed her purse and rand from the house.

"Edna! Wait!" screamed my father. He ran out of the house after her.

I ran out too. Edna got into my father's car and began to drive it down the street. She had the keys. My father ran after the car. Managed to reach in because the window was open, and grab Edna's purse. But Edna drove off anyhow.

Back in the house my mother said to me: "He says he loves her. Did you see her nose, Alison?"

"Yes, I saw it."

"Christ." Said my father, "get her out of here!"

"I'll kill you!" I told him. He rushed towards me. I didn't see the blow. My ear and face burned, I was on the floor-

And inside my head

A flash of red

And a ringing sound. It's cleared. I got up and rushed at him, swinging.

I couldn't kill him.

I know it wasn't really lady-like to fight like that anyway but I didn't care.

And a month later somebody broke his arm in a fight and it made me

Very happy.

I hated his guts because he was just a mean human being. He did mean things and he was a mean man. Simple as that. But it just didn't compare with mister David Fisher also called Dave. This man grew up in New-York but when his dad left him at an age of nine, he started to become a harsh boy who likes to start a fight and drank a lot. At age twenty he was an alcoholic and lost his job what made him move to Rosewood were he worked in a liquor-store. After a while he met my mother and there was a spark so to say. But I hated him. I always did. He drank a lot, he was disrespectful towards me when my mother was gone, … But now, standing here in my locked bathroom just finishing vomiting, I see that he is an evil man. Just evil.

**When we come home next month you will open up to me without hesitation (if you know what I mean) or I will post the video on almighty mister Facebook and hang the pictures up in your school. If you tell it to somebody I'm going to kill your mother and then I will kill you so don't you even dare to go to the cops **

**Big lovies –D**

It was written in the envelope and I looked at the pictures again with tears in my eyes. It weren't much pictures. But four of these pictures were enough to cause a lot of damage. I didn't realize that Emily was slamming the door. She must've been knocking the whole time so I opened it.

She opened her mouth to talk or shout but I just held up my index finger in a shhh-motion.

"Not a word…" She was standing with her mouth open and big eyes.

"Don't even ask me." I snapped and then I walked away with the two envelops in my hands towards the car. Emily followed me in silence. I knew I made it to hard for her. She couldn't handle this. She always looked so hurt when I snapped to her. Not that I did that much but it did hurt her. You could see it in her eyes.

"I'm sorry." I whispered to her and she nodded.

Back in the car they were silent. Emily went inside again to grab a suitcase and she started to put things in that Ali might need. When she came back she saw Alison sitting in the car. She has been crying and it was making her feel bad. Alison just leaned on her elbow looking outside and Emily was driving but looked at her sometimes. Just some glances because the last thing she wanted was to cause an accident.

"I'm not going to ask you what happened…Because I know you don't want to tell me…" Emily began and Alison looked at her slowly.

"But I hope you can tell me one day." Alison just looked at the beautiful tan girl . She was breathtaking and so perfect. Emily was always ready to help or protect her and she was so freaking beautiful in her own way. Alison was staring at her, just admiring her beauty and Emily knew. She took the blondes hand in her own. It fitted so perfectly.

Like it was meant to be.

**Review please, they are my food x x x**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N Hey guys, you know if you have some prompts or ideas to write a fanfic, you can send them to me or just review an idea. I would love to write some one-shots but I don't have much ideas.**

**Just send some if you want to :) **

A week passed by and Alison still slept over in Emily's house. Of course she did, she was insanely in love with Emily. She wanted to spend every minute of the day with her. Every night they take the mattress and make a cosy place on Emily's roof. Sometimes with some candles and music, sometimes with alcohol and cigarettes. Emily tried to smoke one too but it wasn't her thing and Alison smiled happily when she said that. They would dance or sing along with the music. Sometimes wild, sometimes slow.

When it's early they talk about normal things like school, their friends and rumours. Around noon they laugh about jokes or old things that happened or they would say funny stuff and just laugh with each other. Around the evening they became a little bit calmer and just talk about life and love and in the middle of the night they talk about different kind of topics.

Alison always thought that the time mattered a lot in a conversation. Because late at night, the most heavy topics become popular. Like, death and life or does heaven exist? Or Emily would ask "What is love?" and then Alison would start sing, "Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more." And then they were laughing all over again and Emily started to see that Alison was becoming better but that's just because that assfuck wasn't near her. They had 3 weeks and then maybe Alison will be all sad again. Emily promised herself that if that jerk would come near her that she would kill him. But now she just enjoyed her time with Alison. It just felt great to spend time with her. She was a complex person. Very hard to understand or read but very interesting. They had the time of their life but they were ditching school and their friends were noticing. Emily would love to tell everybody of her and Alison but Alsion didn't want to come out already and Emily was fine with that. Emily's job was now to keep Ali happy. So Emily had a plan.

She putted the scarf around Alison's eyes after they came back from school (Their friends started to ask questions so Alison decided to go this one day).

"What are you doing Em?" Alison giggled after she started searching a hold with her hands. Emily placed a kiss on her cheek and whispered in her ears.

"Trust me baby." And she leaded her upstairs, holding her hips under her yellow skirt that fitted great with her golden hairs.

"You never call me baby so it must be something special." Alison said.

"You'll see." Emily responded.

Emily was the reason that Alison whore dresses or skirts because she Ali was always suspicious for the scars on her tights. She never said that out loud but Emily could see it when she would look in the mirror with that zoned-out face, starring at her legs with her arms crossed then Emily always told her that they weren't visible and that she looked so pretty in that dress or that skirt.

Alison needed to confess that Emily actually helped her a lot. But the pictures and usb-stick were still hunting her at night when she tried to sleep. Her insomnia was coming back and Emily knew. Emily could hear it when they were laying cuddled up. Alison always breaths slowly and long when she was sleeping. Now it's unsteady and she was shaking and moving a lot. Although Emily acted like she was sleeping, she was very awake and even when Alison did sleep she had a lot of nightmares. Like every time she DID fall asleep (maybe two hours in three days), she would start to scream and cry in her sleep and then she would scratch herself and even though Emily doesn't want to wake her up because she was asleep for once, she just couldn't see Alison being hurt. It was heartbreaking especially that nasty habit of the blonde when she would scratch herself in her sleep. So Emily brought up the subject today at breakfast before Alison left to school.

_Alison had bags under her eyes and she was looking so tired, sipping her coffee and not touching her food. It was like she was zoned out or just very deep in her own thoughts. Starring at the blades against the magnet without blinking. Emily looked concerned at her from the corner of her eyes while she leaned against the kitchen-island._

_Alison was sitting in a grey short and an empty black shirt, revealing all her scars but. You can say time heals and Emily guessed it does but it still hurts to see or feel those wounds that screamed for help and it just hunted Emily all day long. Emily would have those nights were she would just search in her house after sharp objects and hide them away. She was so scared that there was a chance Alison would be laying dead in her bed covered in blood. These thoughts and worries were ghosts that followed her everywere. So Emily would accidently walk into the bathroom while Ali showered just to see that she didn't cut again. Starting to memorize every single cut and burn or bite and even pinch and scratches so she would immediatly know when Alison was doing it again. It was hell. But she was happy that she has the privelege to protect her._

_And she was glad that Ali was becoming more comfortable around her considered her scars._

"_Are you all right Ali?" She asked sitting next to her and gentle touching her arm but Ali flinched and she pulled away and looked at me. Alison nodded and whispered sorry._

"_Are you tired?" Alison nodded slightly followed with a shrug._

"_I guess…I didn't sleep that well tonight." Emily looked at her intensely while Alison looked at her hands that were resting on her lap. It was silent in the kitchen for a couple of minutes. They were now both sitting at the kitchen-counter. _

"_Not just tonight Ali, you have been sleeping very bad for a couple of days now." Emily whispered._

"_Maybe…" She said._

"_It's not healthy Alison, it makes you suffer. I can see it in your eyes." Alison still didn't make any eye-contact. _

"_I can't do anything about it Emily." _

"_I know, but we can go to the doctor tomorrow. I'll come with you." And that made Alison smile and look at her so she smiled back and the blonde gave her a kiss on her lips before standing up to shower and leave. _

"Are we seriously on stairs while I can't see shit?" Alison joked and Emily laughed, still leading her.

"Watch your language little girl or I will need to wash your tongue with soup." Emily said with a smirk on her face.

"You can wash it with your mouth." Alison said and Emily made a high sound and smacked her ass.

"That's so unfair." Alison laughed.

"Well you deserved it." And they both giggled.

"You can look babe."

"Don't call me that." Alison said with a sharp voice but on a tone that made me smile.

She took it of and her mouth felt open.

silence...

again,...

"Omg Em…" Emily started to grin widely and shy.

"What do you think?" She asked and Ali just grabbed her arm and kissed her hard. She kissed her back, concentrating on the places were Alison's body touched hers. They slowly broke the kiss. The last couple of days, they couldn't kiss longer then a minute because the heat was raising too much.

Alison climbed out of Emily's bedroom-window to look at her present. It was just beautiful. Emily had worked on it the whole freaking day with the help of only Hanna and Spencer. They didn't know it was for Allison but they were suspicious. Emily's roof was simply her space and her mother always told her that she can make it cosy if she wanted to so she did. It was a flat space that was as big as her kitchen. Like seven meters on seven meters or something. They had bought an elegant bed in ikea and even though it took them three hours to put it together, they still had managed to install a kind of window screen for the rain. It was a high bed with white duvets and a lot of cushions. Above it was the glass screen and next to the bed were two bedside tables with candles on it.

"Jezus Christ Em you are my hero." Alison said when she sat on the soft bed.

"I know." She said shy and Alison curled her index-finger to tell her to come sit next to her.

She was happy that she made Alison happy.

They went back into her room to change their clothes in something more comfortable like a tank top and some shorts. It was 7pm so it was already darken a bit. They ordered some pizza and just talked and laughed. But Emily kept on receiving text messages from Hanna and Spencer. Alison looked at her and took her phone slowly. Emily didn't resist it wasn't' like she had a secret.

"What the hell are Hanna and Spencer talking about?" She asked and Emily sighed with a small smile.

"They helped me today with your present but I told them it was for myself but they just don't believe me." Ali nodded.

"I will turn it off." I said and I did. After the pizza we went upstairs and I couldn't help but look at her beautiful behind on the stairs and she noticed again that I was looking so she turned around and just came very close, folding her arms so her breast became bigger which also made me look. She smirked.

"Well, well Emily Fields, aren't you a little teen-boy?" She stated and I began blushing insanely and I tried to look at something else so I just stood there awkwardly looking at the ceiling.

"I…I'm not." I stuttered.

She came closer to my ear while touching that space under your throat but just above your cleavage. She touched my skin very lightly with just her finger-tips, tracing the skin slowly. Goosebumps were appearing on my skin and I could feel her hot breath in my ear.

"You are a teenage-boy Emily, looking at my ass and breasts. Do you think it's attractive?" I really just sank on my knees and closed my eyes. I was shivering like hell just because of her husky-voice and her carefully-chosen words. She sat down next to me with a huge smile and I was just breathing heavily. She kissed me gentle on the lips and I could feel her smile against my mouth.

"You can't imagine how happy I am when I see what kind of effect I have on you Fields." I managed to find some words.

"You're killing me Ali." And they just ran after each other while laughing like crazy. Alison tried to get away from Emily because she was trying to catch her. She crawled out of the window catching her breath from laughter but Emily was faster and gripped her in a bear-hug. Emily was strong and lifted her from the ground and threw her gently on the outside-bed. Emily started tickling her and peppered her with kisses. Alison was just laughing and trying to get away.

The brunette gave her one final kiss on her forehead, smiling wide and looking deeply in each others eyes. Both with the same huge grin on their face and 2 inch apart. Alison closed the distance by closing her eyes and giving a light peck on her lips. Emily closed her eyes for the little peck. She was laying on top of Alison with her arms around the smaller girls neck. Alison's arms were around her own neck and she could feel Alison's heart beat fast. The peck was just a small second but when Alison looked at her again, it was Emily who closed her eyes and started kissing her hungry. Touching her cheek and slightly fisting her blonde hair.

**I'm going to stop here guys :) I will continue this scene in the next chapter and maybe they will become more intimate… Maybe not, maybe they will. I guess we'll see ;)**

**Review please**


	13. Chapter 13

**Emily's Journal**

Dear diary,

It's been a while since I wrote in this diary but I was just really busy. The thing is, my dream came true. The girl I love, my soul mate, my first love, loves me back. We are together and it makes me so freaking happy but of course there are issues. There always seem to be issues when I have a chance to be happy. Her parents came back and that son of a bitch seems to be in the mood for a sweet taste of Alison and it makes me sick. They arrived a couple of days ago together with my mom and I honestly feel so angry because that man is so close with Alison and I just really don't understand why she wont go to the police. Like, I asked her a couple of times now and she just shakes her head and avoids eye contact. She tells me it's fine and that he will stop now but I don't believe her. The way he looks at her when she bows to pick something up or how she stares at her boobs with no shame makes me want to stab his eyes with a pencil. She says that I don't need to worry and sometimes she says it's none of my business so I don't say anything because it hurts when she says that. But she knows that and she apologizes afterwards. She would kiss me then. It was the kind of kiss that I could never tell my friends about out loud. It was the kind of kiss that made me know that I never was so happy in my whole life. But it was her smart trick because she knew I was overwhelmed when she kisses me and like that I didn't ask any further. I love her with all my heart and I'm pretty sure she does to. I'm a hundred percent sure actually. But she isn't getting better.

She almost was.

But Dave ruined it.

We almost had sex but she just wasn't ready but we _almost_ did and that's important.

She told me she loves me very much but she only feels Dave hands right now so I just stopped and it was alright. Because I love her.

It was Sunday and the rain was hitting my window hard, like it was trying to get inside. I decided to take it easy today and not worry to much because it would drive me crazy one day. And still I was worried about Alison. Our love was big and strong but she seemed so happy the last couple of days and now it was just all fake. Her insomnia was back, she didn't went to the doctor and she doesn't want to talk about her depression and cutting anymore. Because lets face it, she has a depression but she just doesn't see it like that and yes that makes me very sad.

I closed my diary and threw it in my drawer. I went downstairs to help my mom with diner and after that I went to bed, ready for another day of school.

"Alison are you okay?" I asked her because she was very quiet. The girls were immediately silent. They all knew that they where together, they figured it out themselves.

"_Hey Em can we talk?" Spencer asked and I nodded. She hooked our arms so that she could take me to a more discrete place. We sat down on a bench a stared at me with a smirk._

"_When are you going to tell us?"_

"_Tell you what?" I asked._

"_About you and Alison." And I chocked. _

"_Uhm…"_

"_Oh come on don't deny it Em we are your best friends and we are not blind."_

"_Uhm…Yeah…I don't know…Ali is just…"_

"_She doesn't want to come out yet?" Spencer asked her._

"_No, she's just…Struggling…" I didn't know if I could tell them but I was pretty done with the fact that I needed to bottle everything up until I would explode._

"_Yeah…We noticed that too…You know,…The long sleeves…" Emily sighed and just told her everything because she knew she could trust them. They were her friends. And they understand._

"Yes, I'm okay Em." Alison looked at her and smiled. Then she just continued to fake like she was eating. That included: pushing her food around, sometimes bringing up her food to her mouth but then talking so she didn't put it in her mouth, she sliced her flesh fast, continued to ask questions and sometimes she giggled but in all that time she didn't put a single bite in her mouth and it was so smart and horrifying. It scared Emily because Alison was _again _trying to hide her scarswhat means that she did it again, she lost wait, she was quiet, she was faking it,… They were all alarm-bells that were ringing in Emily's head.

After a week it went from bad to worse. Alison looked terrible. She had dark bags under her eyes and her hair was fuzzy, her skin was pale and her eyes were grey. Not blue, they turned grey. She didn't talk to or text anyone and she was skinny as hell. Every time Emily tried to kiss or hug her she pulled away so I wouldn't feel how skinny she got and she didn't like it when somebody touched her anymore. She said she wasn't allowed to leave the house but that was I lie so she didn't have to sleep or stay over with Emily and Emily was afraid that she would break up with her. But she figured out that it was worse.

He must have done it again…

Ali POV

I was crying…again. Do I even do something else in my life then crying? I'm just weak.

It hurts so bad. Her head was throbbing and she clenched between her legs because it was burning like a bitch. She found out something horrible today. Really horrible… So horrible that she decided to kill herself that night after she was finished writing her last words.

She came home today after school but her 'parents' didn't hear her come in. They were in the kitchen discussing something very loud that it made Alison very curiously. She stood behind the wall and heard her mom shouting against Dave.

"I want more money! This isn't enough and you know it yourself." She heard Dave laughing.

"You can get 500 more every time you leave when your daughter is home."

"You are a sick man you know that?"

"Yes, but you are even more crazy for allowing me to do that to your daughter just for money."

"Whatever, I want 1000."

"Sure sweetheart. But not every time." Her stomach dropped.

Her mother knew? Her freaking MOM knew? What kind of monster could do something like that? Just for money? Tears were rolling and sadly they noticed her presence. Her mom just left the house and that was it. Dave just did it all over again.

All over,

Again

She didn't want it anymore. She was so sick of the pain and shame and marks and feelings. All the tears, all the blood.

"Alison, we really need to talk to you." It where her three best friends. Hanna, Spencer and Aria, standing in front of her room trying to get in but Alison was hiding under her bed. There was blood dripping of her forehead and lip. She had barely any clothes on. Dave did it again, he did it again, he did it again, he did it again, it was like a sad song playing over and over inside of her head. Spencer managed to kick the door in and it made Alison furious because how can she hide from Dave if her door couldn't even lock itself. The three girls came in and even Alison tried to be quite, the shaky breaths leaving her mouth where too loud.

"She's hiding under her bed." Aria said and Hanna and Spencer just took my arms and pulled me out. I was screaming. Maybe Dave told them I was being silly or something. He can rape me again now.

"NOOOO, LEAVE ME ALONE!" I yelled, I kicked, I slapped and I cried like I was crazy. I was wearing a shirt that was teared up and some black panties. Aria and Hanna tried to hold me and Spencer pulled out her phone, not taking her eyes of me. I felt so naked they were all staring at my body, at the blood, the bruises, the scars, the burns.

"She has a lot of scars Spencer." Hanna said.

"She is losing blood if she doesn't calm down." Aria yelled desperately while pinning my arms down. Hanna was sitting on my legs.

"I'm calling Emily, …Yes…Uhu, no you need to come now…No NOW…Okay" The phone call was quick but Emily was even quicker. After five minutes the Latina girl bursted into the room and tried to hug me but as soon as Hanna and Aria let go of me, I ducked in the bathroom and locked it. They were banging on my door. They where kicking it, slamming it and yelling at it. Alison crawled in a corner and cried even harder, covering her ears. She began punching the tile wall until there was blood sipping out of her fists. She then slammed her elbow against the sink and she heard a crack. It wasn't the door or the sink, it was her arm.

"I can't explain this feeling right now mommy." She whispered while closing her eyes.

"You aren't here, you never were." She continued and sat in the bad.

"You were just a monster just like every single person walking on this globe, searching for money and success."

"I'm so alone, so alone, so broken." She let the cold water run.

"I love Emily and my friends but I really can't take it anymore." She sliced her wrists and closed her eyes.

"I really want to die." Alison didn't hear the voices that were yelling at her.

"My fault…My fault…My fault." She cried so hard.

"It's all my fault…"

"It'll be our little secret okay." The man's voice said inside her head.

"Stop it."

"Why did it all go so FAST!?"

"Stop crying."

"ALISON! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR NOW!"

"Stop crying."

A loud bang was the last thing she heard. She blacked out and felt a couple of hands and arms around her trying to pull her out of the bath. But that was the last thing she felt and heard.

I hope so.


End file.
